Have you ever wondered what the NWSL would look like if every franchise was an expansion team? If every player currently signed to an NWSL team was forced to enter the player pool in some sort of dystopian inversion of the ongoing "abolish all drafts" movement? No? Just me?
Well, on this bright Saturday morning of an international break, I woke up only mildly intrigued by the first game of the Emma Hayes USWNT national team era, but more importantly had some time to kill before spending my day watching the Champions' league Final at 12:00, Hayes' US women and then subjecting myself to a live performance of whatever (somewhat improved!) product the Portland Timbers are putting out on the field nowadays.
So, with that said, here are the parameters:
Snake draft format
Each team gets seven players
Goalkeepers drafted in Round 6
Each team has to be able to field a positionally-realistic seven aside team by the end of the draft. Two defenders are required.
No trades are allowed
The draft order is determined by a random online generator
Let's get into it:
Draft Lottery Day:
Representatives of each NWSL franchise nervously gather in a small, restricted meeting room somewhere in Brooklyn. Commissioner Jessica Berman ponders ways to rig the draft for the big markets, but eventually decides women's soccer has seen enough scandals. The lottery gets underway. The NWSL isn't the NBA, so no big four accounting firm is present to ensure everything is above board. Berman pulls up "wheelofnames.com" on the projector around 7:00 PM ET and the room falls quiet.
Berman spins the wheel for the first time, and to the dismay of all potential number 1 draft pick candidates, it lands on "Utah Royals FC." Somewhere far away, Naomi Girma, Sophia Smith, Trinity Rodman, and Barbra Banda begin to sweat. The nightmare outcome for the league has happened. The mormons celebrate, but there is a touch of worry amongst Royals fans: There are no BYU grads amongst the top prospects. Are any of them blonde? Coach Amy Rodriguez celebrates by squaring up to all 37 Bay FC representatives and staring them straight in the face. Somewhere in Lyon, Lindsey Horan shivers.
The wheel spins for a second time, and bestows the 2nd overall pick on the Kansas City Current. Recently fired Current GM Camille Ashton curses her luck and instead logs onto her Football Manager save to sell her entire virtual roster to the Kazakh league against their will. She feels mildly better. Inside the NWSL lottery room, coach Vlatko Andonovski celebrates awkwardly with Brittany Mahomes.
Around the wheel goes for the third time, and the North Carolina Courage are awarded the third selection. Coach Sean Nahas takes a break from beautiful-minding different 4-3-3 variants on his refrigerator door to compose a celebratory tweet. He wonders if the Courage can trade out of the first round to make his job harder. He believes in his own grind and doesn't want any star attackers to take the focus off of his tactical acumen. Inwardly, however, he celebrates.
The 4th pick goes to the Chicago Red Stars, and Berman begins to panic in earnest. Three of the first four picks have been the league's worst case scenario. New Chelsea coach Sonia Bompastor leaves voicemails on the phones of the prospective top NWSL draft picks: "We're here for you," she whispers comfortingly to Banda. "I hear the NFL plays games in London now," she tells Smith.
Picks 5-7 go to San Diego, Gotham, and Orlando respectively. Berman breathes deeply and begins to text the top players offering to bribe them into doing an Eli Manning. Surely, she thinks, we can convince a star to threaten to hold out until the Wave and Gotham are on the board.
Picks 8-11 go to Portland, Bay FC, Houston, and Washington. Thorns GM Karina Leblanc informs owner Lisa Bhathal that, unfortunately, she doesn't know any players outside of the top five and will delegate drafting duties to Technical Director Mike Norris. Houston GM Alex Singer learns the draft lottery is taking place for the first time. Spirit owner Michelle Kang makes some calls to see how many of the clubs above the 11th pick she can add to her empire before draft day.
Picks 12-14 go to Seattle, Louisville, and Angel City respectively. The three Seattle fans watching the lottery on television are confused when they see the Reign logo, not realizing the City had an NWSL team. "Women's soccer, what is that?" asks Curtis from Fremont. "I thought this was a Sounders pre-season game!" says Albert from Ballard. ACFC owner Julie Uhrman pretends to be alright, but her vampire eyes betray her true feelings and begin to make children around the country ask their parents to turn off the telecast.
Draft Day:
5:00 ET: The Royals go on the clock first. Will they go defense at first overall? Mock drafts around NWSL twitter have narrowed candidates for the first pick down to three: Sophia Smith, Barbra Banda, and Naomi Girma. Minutes before the selection is announced to the public by Berman, Meg Linehan reports that Girma will be the pick. Jordan Angeli interviews a distraught looking Girma, who states that she will be pursuing all legal paths towards getting herself out of Utah.
5:15 ET: The Current waste no time with their second pick, taking Banda, leaving the Courage to take Smith at third overall without using their allotted five minutes. Both teams are overjoyed to have the two most dangerous attackers in the pool fall to them. Thorns fans throw up a little at the thought of seeing Smith in a Courage uniform. NFL insider Adam Schefter reports that the Carolina Panthers are considering a trade for Cardinals receiver Michael Wilson.
5:25 ET: The Red Stars take Mal Swanson at fourth overall, followed by the Wave selecting Jaedyn Shaw at number five. All feels right with the world.
5:35 ET: Gotham gleefully select Trinity Rodman at sixth overall. GM Yael Averburch West runs over to Spirit GM Mark Krikorian and shouts "Yeahhh bitch! what now!?"
5:40 ET: Orlando take the first timeout of the evening. Reports surface that GM Haley Carter is torn between two players at number six: Brazilian winger Kerolin and Malawi forward Temwa Chawinga. Orlando go with Chawinga, citing concerns over Kerolin's recovery from ACL surgery.
5:45 ET: The Thorns take the first midfielder of the day at number eight, bringing Sam Coffey back to Portland. Bay FC follow by selecting Kerolin at nine and Houston nab Croix Bethune at ten. Krikorian surprises every one by selecting CB Emily Sams at eleven, doing the FSU Tomahawk Chop as Sams dons the Spirit scarf. Krikorian is promptly ejected from the draft room.
6:00 ET: Seattle select Rose Lavelle at twelve, GM Leslie Gallimore whispering "you'll never escape us" in the her ear. Lavelle promptly trips over the microphone cord on her way on stage. It is announced that she will miss the first three months of the season with "muscle problems."
6:05 ET: The first round ends with a pair of Brazilians; Louisville taking winger Adriana at thirteen and ACFC selecting forward Bia Zaneratto at fourteen.
6:30 ET: After an extremely long and unnecessary break between rounds, Angel City selects Rachel Kundananji with the 15th overall pick. Louisville follows by taking CB Tierna Davidson at 16 and Seattle takes Lynn Williams at 17. Coach Laura Harvey proclaims "We are now West Coast Gotham."
6:40 ET: Washington takes Casey Krueger at 18 ("building from the back," Krikorian says to a reporter as he tries to sneak back into the draft), followed by Houston selecting Jenna Nighswonger at 19. Dash manager Fran Alonso bursts into tears as he finally finds the perfect wingback for his three-back....even in 7-aside.
6:50 ET: Bay FC are forced to call timeout as co-owners Aly Wagner, Danielle Slaton, Brandi Chastain, and Aly Wagner converge on GM Lucy Rushton. Rumors abound that the foursome are advocating for a Santa Clara grad, for the brand. Rushton calmly explains that "there are no good ones" and chooses Debinha at 20. Rushton looks quite pleased at the idea of starting her roster build with the Brazilian attacking duo of Kerolin and Debinha.
7:00 ET: The Thorns select winger Claire Emslie with the 21st overall pick and Orlando takes CB Sam Staab at 22.
7:15 ET: After some hard lobbying from manager Juan Carlos Amoros, Gotham brings Spaniard Esther Gonzales back to New Jersey at pick 24. San Diego selects forward Morgan Weaver at 25.
7:25 ET : The Chicago contingent call timeout. Linehan reports that their draft team is split between midfielders Hina Sugita, Angelina, Alex Loera, and Claire Hutton. Youth wins out, and Chicago selects Hutton. Nahas, crying tears of joy, sprints the draft card bearing Ashley Sanchez's name to the commissioner for North Carolina's second pick of the night.
7:35 ET: Kansas City selects Hina at 27 overall before Utah takes the injured Midge Purce with the last pick of the second round.
Rounds 3-11
8:00 ET: In true NWSL fashion, the live broadcast cuts out. The remaining draft picks proceed as follows:
3.01 Utah Royals: Olivia Moultrie
3.02 Kansas City Current: Natalia Kuikka
3.03 North Carolina Courage: Alex Loera
3.04 Chicago Red Stars: Savannah Demelo
3.05 San Diego Wave: Jessie Fleming
3.06 Gotham FC: Gabrielle Robinson
3.07 Orlando Pride: Alyssa Thompson
3.08 Portland Thorns: Sarah Gorden
3.09 Bay FC: Alana Cook
3.10 Houston Dash: Ouleymata Sarr
3.11 Washington Spirit: Ally Sentnor
3.12 Seattle Reign: Sam Hiatt
3.13 Racing Louisville: Gisele Thompson
3.14 Angel City FC: Maria Sanchez
4.01 Angel City FC: Hal Hershfelt
4.02 Racing Louisville: Andi Sullivan
4.03 Seattle Reign: Angelina
4.04 Washington Spirit: Asisat Oshoala
4.05 Houston Dash: Tarciane
4.06 Bay FC: Sofia Huerta
4.07 Portland Thorns: Diana Ordonez
4.08 Orlando Pride: Taylor Flint
4.09 Gotham FC: Elin Rubensson
4.10 San Diego Wave: Kaleigh Kurtz
4.11 Chicago Red Stars: Emily Sonnett
4.12 North Carolina Courage: Tara McKeown
4.13 Kansas City Current: Crystal Dunn
4.14 Utah Royals: Caprice Dydasco
5.01 Utah Royals: Nealy Martin
5.02 Kansas City Current: Summer Yates
5.03 North Carolina Courage: Lo Labonta
5.04 Chicago Red Stars: Ashley Hatch
5.05 San Diego Wave: Carson Pickett
5.06 Gotham FC: Deyna Castellanos
5.07 Orlando Pride: Rocky Rodriguez
5.08 Portland Thorns: Marie Müller
5.09 Bay FC: Messiah Bright
5.10 Houston Dash: Morgan Gautrat
5.11 Washington Spirit: Marta
5.12 Seattle Reign: MA Vignola
5.13 Racing Louisville: Jordyn Huitema
5.14 Angel City FC: Malia Berkley
6.01 Angel City FC: Jane Campbell
6.02 Racing Louisville: Kailen Sheridan
6.03 Seattle Reign: Anne-Katherine Berger
6.04 Washington Spirit: Casey Murphy
6.05 Houston Dash: Alyssa Naeher
6.06 Bay FC: AD Franch
6.07 Portland Thorns: Mandy Haught
6.08 Orlando Pride: Cassy Miller
6.09 Gotham FC: Aubrey Kingsbury
6.10 San Diego Wave: Claudia Dickey
6.11 Chicago Red Stars: Didi Haracic
6.12 North Carolina Courage: Anna Moorehouse
6.13 Kansas City Current: Shelby Hogan
6.14 Utah Royals: Lyssiane Proulx
7.01 Utah Royals: Alex Morgan
7.02 Kansas City Current: Becky Sauerbrunn
7.03 North Carolina Courage: Abby Erceg
7.04 Chicago Red Stars: Maxi Rall
7.05 San Diego Wave: Vanessa Dibernardo
7.06 Gotham FC: Kate Del Fava
7.07 Orlando Pride: Bruninha
7.08 Portland Thorns: Jaelin Howell
7.09 Bay FC: Maitane Lopez
7.10 Houston Dash: Tatum Millazo
7.11 Washington Spirit: Denise O'Sullivan
7.12 Seattle Reign: Emma Sears
7.13 Racing Louisville: Manaka Matsakubo
7.14 Angel City FC: Ryan Johnson
FINAL LINEUPS!
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